IMG_6331Not long ago I made a remark about the card of the Lovers in one of the groups on Facebook that occasionally I still check with.

These days I’m not so active in these groups as I have seen that what I have to offer often vexes a number of people.

Although my intention is not to perplex, it may well be that the form in which my message comes out simply doesn’t match the general expectation.

As I’m not interested in exploring the chatty side or the laid back version of myself – not to mention cultivating my white hair on youtube and hoping that it can stand for knowledge – I often conclude that going for a symmetrical relation with the cartomantic public at large is next to impossible.

But, insofar as a few others in the world follow my advocating here for more critical approaches to divination and magic than we’ve generally seen so far, I keep talking.

I don’t think that I’m doing anything special though, especially since I have a few I can thank for inspiration.

I wonder, for instance, how many remember Fritz Muntean, the founder and editor of the scholarly journal The Pomegranate. Particularly vivid is his 50-page long critique of Starhawk’s The Spiral Dance, and his keynote address to the Cascadia Pagan Leadership Conference in 1995.

In the latter, and of relevance in the context of reading cards, he compares the stages in pagan leadership since Gerald Gardner and Doreen Valiente to the first 7 trumps of the tarot, including the Fool, about whom he has this to say:

IMG_6330“The Fool is the enemy of rules and regulations, of hierarchies and principates, and even (as we can see) of safe paths through the mountains. He believes, and rightly so, that he can achieve magical results with no adherence to doctrine or discipline, but his near-complete neglect of magical standards only produces magical results that defy evaluation. The Fool has also been known to write books — which Llewellyn dutifully has been known to publish. These books are easy to read and often entertaining, and many find the ideas in them to improve self-confidence, and to be ‘empowering’ to the reader. But their low standards of scholarship only seem to blur the distinctions between fiction and fact, between polemic and research, and between hypothesis and conclusion. Like the Navajo trickster God, Coyote, the Fool is accorded a special role in the social order. But it’s important to remember that Coyote can lie in wait for the unwary. He sometimes plays a trick so outrageous and violent, that it destroys the well-being, the sanity, and even the life of its victim. And all that remains is an edifying story of human folly to be told ‘round the campfire. The Fool nowadays often finds his human counterpart in those who have used drugs unwisely but too well in order to blast their way out of a too-rigid cultural prison only to find themselves stranded helplessly on the other side. As far as his potential for leadership goes, it’s probably best for us to visualize the Fool with a bumper sticker across his butt that reads: “Don’t Follow Me — I’m Lost!” (Muntean, 1995: 2).

The essay sees the Fool, the Magician, and the High Priestess as models of Pagan leadership and representatives of the past. The Empress and the Emperor are models for the ideal leadership of the present, while the Pope, the Lover, and the Chariot play out the dynamics of future leadership patterns. As with all of Muntean’s writings, the ideas are not only compelling, but also valid for today.


Let us go back to making a point about the Lover, the card which Muntean – now that we are at it – also associates with the path not taken but which we must take issue with, as indeed the path not taken shapes our acts just as much as the path that we have taken. The implication of this is that insofar as we get what we deserve, we had better learn to live with our choices.

In the context of divination the card of the Lover is interesting to consider where these choices are concerned. Those acquainted with the card of the Lover in the Waite-Smith pack will find it less challenging, as what we are presented with here is already a union. Boy gets girl. Girl is grateful and thanks the Angel. Or maybe not. In the Marseille pack – my standard pack for readings – we have a whole different dynamics in play.

The way I read or teach this card is straightforward. Man torn between two women. Very rarely had I the situation when this was not the case. Even gender-wise. MAN torn between two women. Period.

The degree of successfulness of the man’s ability to move on can only be seen in the surrounding cards.

In and of itself this card is a difficult card, a static card, and it has little to do with love for another. Rather, and more so, it has to do with love for something you want to follow. It may simply also call you to do what you love. In other words, do what you love for YOURSELF.

Implicitly this discloses a subtle relation that has enabled many a woman to declare that after they got married they realized that they had married not a man but their own son.

Ergo: Men can’t choose – the card claims.

Hence, they need intervention from above, from Cupid, from the men and women around them, or even more so, from the woman next to him who is able to promise him a life of procreation and child rearing. It’s not for nothing that our young man here has one of his hands firmly planted on this woman’s crotch.

The other woman next to him, the one who inspires the Lover more – mentally, judging by his head turned towards her – is not culturally interesting.

What she signals here is that due to her being uninterested in the sex and children part, she’s bound to occupy the role of ‘the other woman’: Good to fuck and listen to, but not not good to marry.

This woman is very likely to embarrass the Lover boy with her cleverness., and that’s the last thing that he needs. Therefore, he’ll keep her as his secret.


If we take the card on an individual level, and perhaps also see it as part of the necessary stages that the Fool needs to go through if he is to achieve a sense of self and purpose – if we go with the Fool’s Journey narrative – then we could argue that the meaning in life is to grow up, live, get married, have children, grow tired, and die.

Whether the Lover likes it or not, he must procreate. However, in a reading context, we often come across situations when what is called for is not assessing the extent to which one does the right thing, such as leaving one’s mother to go and live with one’s wife, but rather leaving one’s old wife for a younger cookie.

Some would say, ‘halt’, this is not the meaning of life. So it goes with the desire for meaning and normative codes.


About men caught between two women I could tell many stories.

In my experience with offering some guidance to people who want an answer to their question: ‘Should I hang on to him or not, he promised to divorce her?’ – ‘him’ being the ambivalent lover – I have come to the following conclusion:

The cure for love is a greater love. Usually, and as some of my psychoanalyst friends have said, when love is denied, hatred sets in.

If the greater love is not immediately in sight, all subjects are prone to experiencing resentment. This builds up as a tower that hides a lot of frustration.

Men caught between two women are really caught in the impossibility to act, or rather caught in the following moral dilemma: To ditch everything and follow the one that the heart follows – for some, a foolish act – or to resign and show compassion – for some, a wise act.

As neither is ideal – with balance missing – impotence rules.

Consequently, I say this to the women facing a man who thinks he can make a decision:

Never beg for recognition or love. Instead of always waiting for things to happen, the best is to look for the beauty in life that you can participate in either by observing or by creating something.

Create something like right now, when I shuffle my deck to see what cards I could talk about next to the Lovers card, and that might illustrate this very point.

The reason why I do this is because I never want to talk about single cards, and what they might mean individually – as indicated above, I’m not interested in the meaning of life according to a linear trajectory.

Also, if I want insight into an archetype, then I prefer to read a myth or a fairytale, rather than look at individual cards representing types.

So, what cards did I get? Here we come to a magical moment – my fellow Romanian/Canadian compatriot, Muntean, would like this.

The Lovers, The Emperor, The Hanged Man.


What beautiful creation right under my eyes, inviting me to observe what I myself have participated in, both conceptually – I started out with an idea – and concretely – I’m ‘reading’ the cards.

As we can clearly see, the Lover in the Lovers card is not a man of action. Indeed, as the case is here, it looks like either a deus-ex-machina decides on behalf of the Lover whom the Lover should choose, or else we can say that his father gives him a push in the right direction. Actually that’s not right, as the Emperor dictates. He faces left and is oblivious of what may be right for the Lover, who ends up resigning to the situation.

But what perfect mirroring we find here!

The Hanged Man, as he reflects back to the Lover, seems to say, ‘what the heck, either woman will do.’

So much for the love that we find associated with this card in other tarot decks.

I would say that what we’re dealing with here is a typical Hanged Man ‘reasoning’ that may tell us the following:

If a woman must revisit a lost relationship, then she must make sure to come back from it as well. The Hanged Man will always find a reason to tell her that he regrets everything.

In other words, the woman’s act of revisiting must remain exactly that, an act of revisiting, not an act of reviving her identification with her illusion.


As for the pagan world, a world I’m not part of, but which I like to visit, I hope that it’ll find a way to deal with the path not taken in such as way that it may manage to bypass the potential indifference hidden behind regalia, women’s skirts, armor, and the rope around the neck.

The last thing that the animist, polytheist, or divination world needs is another sack of money.


Note on the deck:

Tarot de Marseille, Edition Millenium, as reconstructed by Wilfried Houdoin, 2011


Muntean, Fritz (1995): “The First Seven Trumps of the Major Arcana (and the Fool) as Patterns for Pagan Leadership: Past, Present and Future”. Keynote Address to the Cascadia Pagan Leadership Conference, October 20.

Muntean, Fritz (1995): “Wicca after Starhawk.” Religious Studies / with L. Christensen.


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7 thoughts on “THE LOVER

  1. livingnexus says:

    I’m of a like mind to yours. I don’t think the divine arts should be spared from critical examination. I also don’t consider myself to be a pagan, although hearing the thoughts and experiences of pagans is often interesting and illuminating.

    Also, thank you for expanding my understanding of the Lovers. I’m just starting my tarot journey and I always appreciate a new perspective.

  2. cameliaelias says:


    Alexandra Desipris: Excellent. And I VERY much appreciate your approach to things.
    9 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 2

    Camelia Elias: That’s good to hear. Thanks.
    8 hours ago · Like · 1

    Ryan Edward: This couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you as always.
    8 hours ago · Unlike · 1

    Todd Landman: I like that essay
    4 hours ago · Unlike · 1

    Paul Nagy: wonderful
    8 hours ago · Unlike · 1

    Henrik Papsø: I’m a lover. Aren’t I? Please…
    about an hour ago · Edited · Like

    Bent Sorensen: Beer lover, maybe…
    about an hour ago via mobile · Like · 1

    Camelia Elias: Yes, Papsø, you’re definitely a lover. The question is, what do you use your love for?
    about an hour ago · Like

    Solange Leibovici: in a psychoanalytic sense, the lover could symbolize the moment when a young man leaves his mother to take a wife. what Freud called ‘the solution of the oedipal conflict’. and the mother accepts this (which they don’t always do!).
    52 minutes ago · Like · 1

    Camelia Elias: Well yes, and yet, about the solution, and just how good it is: it’s not so clear cut when the lover takes a wife who looks and behaves exactly like his mother.
    47 minutes ago · Like · 1

    Bent Sorensen: It worked for Jack Kerouac.
    45 minutes ago via mobile · Like · 1

    Camelia Elias: Yes, he was smart enough to just say: I want to be happily ever after with mother. Good for him.
    44 minutes ago · Like

    Solange Leibovici: but the young woman looks more like him. so he deals with the impossibility of fullfilling the desire for what Lacan calls the thing, the prehistoric mother, he goes his own way and becomes mature. beautiful, and nearly impossible…
    34 minutes ago · Unlike · 2

    Camelia Elias: Ideally speaking, Solange, sure. But in reality… Ha. As our friend, the famed Robert Silhol said, the work on the self is work on the mother. I greatly appreciated Robert’s telling me over the summer that it took him 70 years to understand that the father means absolutely nothing. Worshipping the father, eulogising him, trying to be like him, please him, is merely a waste of time, and a diversion from the real task at work, namely working on the mother. So, there you have it. But you know, most people don’t want to hear about these things. They prefer the delusion, which is all fine, as long as I don’t have to deal with it.
    a few seconds ago · Like

    Solange Leibovici: for a man… Robert worked his whole life on the ‘oedipal’ and ‘castration’ which are (according to me) relevant to Freud’s time but not any more. I agree the mother is the impossible thing and the lost object. but I wouldn’t say the father means absolutely nothing. especially for girls (women) who lost their father at a very young age. you know what I mean!
    10 minutes ago · Like

    Camelia Elias: Yes, I know what you mean, yet by a strange reversal, it seems as if in order for it to work, it’s better for the father to be dead. And why am I saying this? Well, obviously not because I don’t believe that the father can have another function than that of having impregnated the mother, but because of the culture that preconditions men to disrespect women. I’m afraid that the statistics indicating the fact that some men actually do give a damn about women is close to the null point. In that sense the father is completely useless.
    a few seconds ago · Like

    Iain Ismyfirstname: the thing about that lover card is, they all look like they are wearing the same mask…or maybe they are all wearing the same face as cupid…like a ball, where they can pretend to be whatever they like – yet somehow all have the same idea… to wear the face of love…so i wonder – what’s underneath the mask of love? more masks?
    12 minutes ago · Like

    Camelia Elias: Now, that’s a question you can divine for. Let’s see, as I got these cards: The Wheel of Fortune, The Pope, The Emperor. So, the Emperor insists. For a while there I thought I was going to see the Moon. We do say that love is madness, but nope, obviously that’s a Romantic thought. So underneath the mask of love is the ever changing exchange between The Pope and the Emperor. The Pope negotiates a deal with the Lover’s father. After all, imagine if men would cut the crap and stopped popping the question. No one would get married and the Pope would soon be fired from office. So, there’s nothing behind the mask of love. Just the perennial ways of culture. The promise of rulership if you do the right thing. Say yes, in church. Auch, I’m feeling my balls squeezed. But wait, the Lover is a man, not a woman. What a relief. Some woman would know how to fix these rulers.
    a few seconds ago · Like

    Iain Ismyfirstname: i like the idea that underneath the mask of love is the emperor and the pope, one concerned about the soul, the other about his kingdom… the ownership of the physical and the spiritual… and its a perpetual ride on the ever-spinning wheel of fortune… some days the pope wins, other days the emperor – a game of eternal roulette that never has a true winner, nor an end-game… just every day you take a spin and hope for the best that the other person has bet the same as you…
    7 minutes ago · Unlike · 1

    Camelia Elias: That’s right. We’re all playing games here. Only, some haven’t noticed that yet. Some really believe in, what is it that they call it, commitment, yes, I think they call it commitment. Yes, commitment will change everything. It will make people love. Ha ha. Sure. Some beliefs make for good bargains. The Pope knows all about it, and so does the Emperor. Whoa, I’m impressed. My pants are impressed. So much knowledge, so much power. Yes, the Devil is somewhere in there, I’m sure of it. Better place those bets now.

  3. Mark says:

    Thank you Camelia for your critical and cartomantic analysis. I love how you always combine them. To me the lover is about choice as much as about the indecision it creates. He stands between two women and the choice is critical. He looks at his mother snd touches the cookie…what a dilemma. And the cards offer the same dilemma. Emperor or Hanged Man? Raising his scepter or letting it hang? Was his father MacBeth or troubled Hamlet? He was not useless for his choice gives a precedent. And sometimes precedent becomes president and rules. Still, as you say there is no love involved but politics or psycho-bondage. Counting, the Emperor and the Hanged man (love how the numeral is reversed…) add to 16, or 7. In the end he gets into the chariot and drives off.Often a stupid decision follows such an impasse if he does not look careful where to put his love.

    1. cameliaelias says:

      Great observation, also the numerical one. Indeed, for the Lover, choosing is a tough deal. Either way he goes he gets fucked. There are solutions, of course, but that would be the topic of another post.

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